I was most entertained to hear that some local churches were introducing "elf and safety" guidelines.  Well this could only be exciting.  Something along the lines of : a) Those entering the church yard at the witching time of night (midnight on) should take the necessary precautions.  These might include wearing a large crucifix and festooning ones person with garlands of garlic.  b) Open graves should be avoided at all costs.  c) Grave robbers, medical students and Danish princes are asked to replace any loose rubble and sharp objects in an orderly manner on completion of their midnight capers etc. 

But NO, instead there was some vile whining directive from the local parish council instructing mourners to only leave flowers in plastic vestibules and banning metal railings in case someone should impale themselves on it.   Surely the whole point about these places is that getting impaled and slumping dramatically  into an open grave is part of the fun? 

Amazingly these same redundant nihilists are completely unable to deal with the real blight of the countryside- the Old Age Pensioner on a "mobility vehicle"(MV) cruising down the main drag at a neck breaking 2 miles/hr.  This morning there was a three MV pile up going up Market Hill when one of the old dears failed to indicate and sidled into the road fractionally ahead two other coming along in convoy.  Chaos ensued. Flat caps flew,  baskets were overturned, little wheels churned fruitlessly in the chestnut leaves, the Constabulary was called.  Well I never, what a fuss,  and if it wasn't Margery Meaks I saw shaking her stick at the nice young officer. What a to-do.  what a to-do...

MV drivers are dangerous and arrogant road hogs.  Last week one of them found his way onto a 4 lane national motor way and excused himself by saying it was the best route to the library.

While the vulgar arrogance of youth culture is prevalent in cities and popular media, out here in the wilds, it is quite the opposite. Out here Ye Olde Riders of the MV reign supreme.  They know no boundaries, have no natural predator save time itself, and are free to run unchecked in their natural habitat.

Church yards at midnight have nothing on these terrors....